Ears

At birth I took my sweet time entering the sterile world of the delivery room and my ears paid the price. The pressure on my soft cartilage cause them to stick out straight like handles on a large trophy for the world to grab onto. I am told that my distinctive ears were spoken of by family and friends and sometimes strangers.
By the time I was in pre-school, my mother had decided to take action. She didn’t want here baby girl teased for something she could control. So, at the tender age of four I went under the knife and was submitted to plastic surgery. I wonder if my parents, who were young and not yet established financially, paid out of pocket as any insurance company could see this was not a needed procedure.
For six weeks I wore an ace bandage around my head. This was to hold down my newly altered image. It was the first time I was aware that I looked different. I couldn’t play with the other kids on the playground at school. “You have to sit still or you’ll bump out your stitches,” Mom said. One day a little blond boy shoved me up against the toy box and did knock out a few, now that ear sags a bit. I call that one floppy.
After the bandages were off I rarely ever thought about my ears or that procedure again. Except when someone new came over to the house and saw the poster sized photo of myself and my two older sisters when I had my naturally sized ears. “Wow, you’re ears were big!” They’d say, as though we were unaware of the difference.

All these years later I am glad I had it done. I imagine I was spared from some cruelty that comes with childhood, though like everyone else, teasing was an ever present part of my young life.
I took that life sized photo out of my families home and now it sits in my own. I wonder sometimes while looking in the mirror what I would look like now with ears like teacup saucers. I also wondered if maybe it was a trait in my genes instead of an effect of childbirth. When I found out I was going to have Max I questioned if he would have those nice and convenient handles attached to the sides of his noggin. He came out with cute little normal sized ears. I am glad he did too. He ended up with my strawberry blond hair and that’ll be enough to get him through the junior high hallways he will walk in six short years.

Posted in Blogroll, family, happiness, health, home, Life | Tagged , , | 9 Comments

Max

Some of you know already, and for the rest of you: I have a son. His name is Max and I am among the millions of parents that believe their child is the funniest most talented and smartest child alive. For most of his life, certainly all he remembers it has been he and I alone in a house. I grew up with two married parents and two very close (both in age and in our relationships) sisters. There was commotion in our house and people around at all times when I was a kid. Now, with just Max and I, life has a dimension that even after six years I am not yet used to. But I love my life and my son and I think we make a great family.

Max, for whatever reason, has a spirit so unique and so hilarious that I could never get bored when he is around. His everyday comments on life are comic gold. One day he said to me, well he screamed it from the bathroom, “Mommy, come here and look, it looks just like Woody Woodpecker!” Yeah, TMI, but I am learning that little boys look inside the toilet with fantastically different intentions than little girls.

Today he hopped of the school bus with a wacky new hairdo and a huge smile on his face. “Look, Mom! I got a mohawk!” he said. I bent down and touched his hair and it was sticky and smelly. I asked him what he used to stick it up with and he said, “Tyler did it.” So I asked what Tyler used. “I don’t know, we can’t read.” was his response.

After two shampooings he still has a mohawk, so tomorrow he will have a buzz cut.

Lately he has been writing “stories” and I am going to share them with you.

Photobucket

“I went to my Grandma’s house.” This is Max on the left and Grandma on the right. He also says “wit” instead of went so the spelling makes sense to him.  Max often gets asked if he moved from Boston.  He is amazing at dialects, or he just says things funny.
Photobucket

Over Christmas my parents were in town and that meant last minute shopping at Target. While my mother and I were looking at plastic junk, my dad decided to create a new game with Max. The name of it was “Bumper Carts”. The concept does not need to be explained. My dad and my son have the same maturity level and luckily they were not asked to leave.

Photobucket

I went to a store.

Of course the only store he will remember us going to. Target. See the bullseye?

Thank you for indulging me as I brag about my son.

Posted in Blogroll, family, funner, happiness, home | Tagged , , , , , | 12 Comments

L-E-T-S G-O!

People are always asking me who I am backing in the next presidential election, what my views are and how I feel about certain issues. My knowledge of universal health care and the environment are widely praised in my circle of friends. I basically cannot go anywhere without being sought after for advice.

No, that never happens.

I never really discuss politics, unless it is with someone who I know is going to give me some factual answers on questions I have. The rest of my political life is solely based on the email forwards of Hillary Clinton making terrible faces that my mother sends me on a daily basis.

Photobucket

I really don’t like the whole debate and backing one candidate with all your soul and gnash out at the talk radio station when the opponents get their time to speak. It reminds me of sports. You have your team, and your side. Then the other team and the other teams star player who you hate, like the Yankees.

So, Hillary is like the Yankees. Some people love them and some people hate them. Most people who have an opinion at all have a strong one. The only difference is that while I hate the Yankees, they do have talent. While the talent of Hillary is up for debate.

Another thing. You may correct me if I am wrong, but it seems that there is only two leaders for the Democrats right now. And there are those who hate one and love the other and spend hours of face time on television spitting on other “experts” for their chosen favorite, come November you know those two people are going to join forces and spit on whoever the Republican choice will be. And the Republican side will do the same. It just seems that the running for that side is far less talked about.

So, I feel as though there is nothing I can do to further the American political system until November, and then I will vote for whoever I feel is best fit. But it probably will not be Mrs. Clinton. Wait that is not entirely true. I will try my best to take pictures of limos when the Republican Convention comes to my city in August. That is all I have to say.

Posted in Blogroll, Life, politics | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

Lazy Saturday

This is the first weekend in quite some time that I have to be nowhere and do nothing. I am enjoying it so far. Today I woke up and checked the weather, it was an amazing 27 degrees outside. I decided to get a start on the website I must build for one of my classes this semester. The entire semester is this one project. I was so excited when I found out about this class and that I could do whatever I wanted as a project. I mean, this is something I do and have done for fun in the past. The site I am starting is going to be offbeat tourist attractions in the state of Minnesota. Every state has these weird things, and Minnesota has more than enough to write the required 5000-6000 words needed.
I spent a few hours driving around the Twin Cities collecting photos of these places. The weather was ugly and the colors are not great because of that, but here are a few of the things we saw:

Photobucket

A huge green lawn chair with max posed on the edge to demonstrate it’s enormity. This sits in a park in St. Paul on the bank of the Mississippi River with no explanation for why it is there. I would like to know some back story or something.

Photobucket

Here is the World’s Largest Stucco Snowman. This leads me to believe that there is a larger snowman out there somewhere that is not made of stucco, but maybe glass, or aluminum. I like saying aluminum.

Photobucket

Finally, the Mary Tyler Moore statue on Nicollet Mall in Minneapolis. She is meant to be outside of Dayton’s Dept. Store. But then Marshall Fields bought Dayton’s. And then macy’s bought Marshall Fields. Dude, macy’s…you have New York. Isn’t that enough? Yes, i am one of the bitter ones that misses Santa Bear. (If you are not from the area you have no idea what I am talking about)

I got the idea for the project I am doing based on that I spent a few weeks last summer driving across the country too broke to see anything that cost money, so we went to places like this. If I had my way, I would make a living criss crossing the country writing up reviews on every world’s largest and or wackiest sites on every highway. Dreaming of it is fun too.

Now I am going to spend the night doing homework and reading. I am very excited. Happy Weekend!

Posted in Blogroll, funner, happiness, health, Life, travel | Tagged , , , , | 9 Comments

Top 7 Reasons to Love Groundhog Day (the movie-not the “holiday”)

Photobucket
It’s nearly here. The holiday that I never gave a second thought to until I saw a movie that is one of the very few Bill Murray films I can stomach. Still, when the day rolls around the only thing I think of is that movie. I saw it at least 6 times in the now gone Spring Brook Dollar Theater in Blaine, MN. I was supposed to be wandering Northtown Mall at the time, but instead myself and my friends would run from the mall across the street to the theater and catch whatever was on the screen that week. If you have ever seen Northtown Mall you would understand why it is worth skipping.
Seriously, the whole concept of Groundhog Day as an event is about as useful as “Take Your Daughter to Work Day” except that no one gets to skip school. The mammal may or may not see his shadow. And then there is or is not more winter. Is this concept only good depending on the location of the groundhog during the shadow experiment? I have always wondered. And if there are not going to be six more weeks of winter, then how many will there be? Here, in the frigid North, I can promise you that the current negative temperatures every day for the past forever point to the possibility that it could still be winter in May.

So here are the Top 7 Reasons to love Groundhog Day (the film, not the holiday)

7. The Flip Clock Radio

Photobucket

Each endless morning that Bill Murray’s character wakes up, he is greeted with the clicking over of the numbers and the song, “I’ve Got You Babe.” It’s an OK song, not the worlds greatest, unless you are judging on cheese factor. But that clock always intrigued me. So much so that I went out and bought myself a retro flip clock of my very own in hopes that someday I will be able to have my local radio station play that very same song at least one day in my life as I am waking up.

6.Flapjacks…too early?

5.The Food at the Diner

Somehow that cake that he shoves into his gullet while showing that he can eat anything and never get fat is something I have always wanted to try for myself. It looks really good. Cake is always really good, unless it’s the vegan variety…which is pointless.

4.Bill Murray Dressed as Clint Eastwood (and getting his date to dress up as well)

I love this part and I couldn’t find a clip or a picture of it. But it happens when he takes a date to an old western movie ( I believe it’s The Good The Bad and the Ugly) and convinces her to dress the part.

3.This Spoof Trailer

A few years ago or more, as the you tube craze exploded, so did taking films, usually comedy and making new trailers of them that were nothing at all that had to do with the story line. I like them, and I like this one. I wish I could give proper credit for the person who made this, but I cannot find a site. Sorry to whoever you are.

2.This Dialog (which occurs with Bill Murray’s character and the hostess at the bed and breakfast he is staying at):

Phil: do you ever have déjà vu Mrs. Lancaster?
Mrs Lancaster: I don’t think so, but I can check with the kitchen.

1.Ned Ryerson

Photobucket

Quite possibly my favorite character in a movie ever. I am not totally sure why this is. But when Ned is on the screen a smile is on your face. He’s the annoying happy guy that will never understand that he is so deliciously annoying. And he says “bing!” with such authority that I want to say “bing!” myself. We should start saying it together. That’ll be a blast.

Posted in Blogroll, funner, happiness, Holidays, Life, movies | Tagged , , | 6 Comments

Top 7 Blog Posts I Have Read…not that I have read that many.

I read a lot of blogs. More than most. Most of the time I read, possibly comment, and then leave it at that. And then other times I read, comment, and then remember it a few weeks or months later and laugh/think deeply about/ or revisit. These are the ones I can think of off the top of my head (certainly not a complete list):

7.Who Was Photog? By Matt
**WARNING** Do not attempt to read this if you have dial-up internet connection. There are currently 2391 comments and it just won’t load. The comments are the best part of this entry. Some day I want to meet Nathan Bitner.

6. Life With Grandpa Joe by LaurieKendrick
Laurie is funny, that’s obvious. This is one of her funniest posts.

5. First Class by Poker Bob
Someday I want to sit next to a Jami on the plane. Might make me less prone to hyperventilate.

4. Traitor Pants by Veggie Macabre aka Billy
You know that dream where you end up at school naked? This is kind of like that but it involves Velcro.

3. Sitting Duck (or “Five Conversations Not About the TV Show ‘Scrubs’”) by Tim
I really don’t want to work at the place described in this post, but I really do want to visit it.

2. Top 10 Worst Numbers Ever by dohopoki
I am very glad doho started a blog…now he can be known for something other than the doho/Mani curse. There’s no need to explain this. And he get’s an honorable mention for This is Why I never Get Anything Done.

1. Doorbell 7PM by James Lileks
I equally love and hate this man at the same time. Why love? Because he has a great site with lots of posts both that make you think and laugh. He also spends a great deal of time on both apparel and home decor of the mid twentieth century, which I spend too much time searching for on eBay, yet never buy.
I hate him because he has the exact same job that I want with all my soul. (To be honest I did not find the actual post he wrote about Target the retail chain that I wanted to say was my favorite, but this one is good as well. )

So, my #1 isn’t really even my number one. Sorry for wasting your time.

Posted in blogging, Blogroll, internet, Life | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Skinny Pants

Photobucket

If you are a woman. You just might have them. I am not sure how the men feel about pant sizes. The majority that I know probaly couldn’t care less. An on that note, men, I think the baggy pants look needs to go altogether. I sincerly thought as those who are about my age would reach adulthood they would buy pants that fit. But it’s still an epidemic. And those who wear the strange Sex-Pistol legging type jeans don’t count in the equation.

I am down to one pair of skinny pants, the rest were so horribly out of fashion that I donated them to the Salvation Army. This particular pair of pants was bought by yours truly during my running-every-day-phase that lasted just a few months. That and I stuck them in the dryer. They sit on the top shelf of my closet waiting for the “I feel skinny” days. Then I try them on and they still don’t fit and back onto the shelf they go.

This past week I have been on the type of involentary diet that comes about by not properly digesting ANYTHING. I gatherd my strength up enough to drive to Kawalski’s today to buy ginger tea and chicken soup. I wore my best oversized overcoat and topped my second day old braid with an enormous stocking cap and didn’t even attempt at putting on make-up. I was the bag lady you avoid in the aisles and believe me I was avoiding you as well. After making my purchases I drove back home and ate and drank my medicines of choice.

Later, I was getting ready to head to the doctors and decied I was probably as skinny as I have ever been in my adult life. So I got the rubbermaid tote and doubled it’s use and used it as a step stool to reach the holy pair of pants from heaven.

They fit.

I was standing there pale as the snow that has not yet gotten dirty, about to put my shirt on and I saw how discustingly skinny I was. You know that bumpy bone on your chest?

Photobucket

The one that is pointed out on Nicole Richie when she is not having children? I could see it. (and I am not at all that skinny)

After grossing myself out with myself I put on some other clothes and went to the doctors. I am going to be just fine apparently. But to make sure I stopped on the way home and bought some cheese and butter and whole milk and other fatty foods.

I am not feeling better yet, but I cannot wait until I do. ‘Cause those extra ten or fifteen pounds will be an awesome thing. Even if they only allow me to have an appetite for the bottle of wine that makes my stomach turn every time I lovingly glance at it.

Photobucket

And a cheeseburger…I really want a cheeseburger.

Posted in Blogroll, happiness, health | Tagged , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

I should be sweeping.

I don’t know about you, but when I am surfing blogs I should usually be doing something else. Working, sleeping, homework, cooking, etc. What is it that you should be doing right now?

And being since it’s 1:26am and I work at 7:30am…I should be sleeping 🙂

Posted in funner, happiness, Insomnia, internet | Tagged , , , | 11 Comments

One night about 12am in June, 1994

 

 

“I bet they’re asleep” my sixteen year old sister Sarah said. She was whispering from the top of one of two bunk bed sets placed side by side in the bedroom the four of us were sharing. I was below her in the bunk and the bunks beside us held my oldest sister Rachel who was seventeen. Above her was my cousin Kristina who like myself was fifteen.

We were all (with the exception of Rachel, who had to work early in the morning) completely dressed in our daily uniforms of cut off jeans, flannels, and striped socked with hiking boots. We were trying to keep our voices down so that we did not wake my parents who were asleep on the other side of the paper thin wall. We hopped out of bed and after grabbing our mini backpacks which doubled as purses and topping our heads with caps labeled in skateboard company logos we tiptoed to the front door. Our apartment unit was right next to the main entrance. After locking the deadbolt we were able to run to the hand me down 1977 Chevy pick-up and buckle up in fifteen seconds flat.

Sarah turned the key and I popped in my latest mixed tape into the cassette player. The Gin Blossoms, Beastie Boys and U2 sang along with us all the way to the Minneapolis St. Paul airport. We weren’t heading out of town and we were also not picking up anybody.

This was not the first time we had visited the airport without reason in the middle of the night. Looking back there was no reason for the offbeat adventure other than it was something we did, that nobody else did. We claimed the after hours airport as our own. The first time had been about a month earlier, when things in our lives seemed to change drastically overnight

I grew up in a “normal” household. I thought my parents were nuts, of course. But in the inner parts of brain I knew that we had it good. In the spring of 1994 I was living in a sitcom worthy suburb in a two story well decorated home in a cul-de-sac. It was me, my sisters and our weird semi-strict and very loving parents. Our aunt and uncle and cousin slash best friend Kristina lived a few blocks away in the same neighborhood. Our fathers were both managers at the same business and our mothers both had part time jobs and full time gossiping duties.
One day that spring my both our families decided that we were to be Minnesotan’s no longer and our lives would be uprooted. The parents decided that we were going to go West. And that was as specific as they told us. This was the end of the school year and when people began talking about the classes they would have and the sports they would be in the following year. I could not chime in. I just told people I would be moving to Montana to avoid strange looks when I said I had no idea where we were moving or what we would be doing. In May Kristina began living with us because her parents who had decided to move to the west before the end of the school year. They had at this point settled on a river bank in Idaho and were planning on camping until the end of the summer before looking for jobs or a home. A lifetime of suburban living and minivans and church potlucks and what I considered total normality had just been lifted out of my life like that plate of food that I had not yet finished though the waitress believed I was done eating.

The sale of our childhood home closed at the end of May. We spent the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend moving out of our beloved home and into a budget two bedroom apartment a couple miles away until my parents finalized where we would be moving out west. The four of us girls were to share a bedroom and the six of us a bathroom. I was scared of the change, but having my sisters and cousin with for the journey helped a lot. After saying good bye to our amazing yard and curtains and mailbox the four of us knew nothing would ever be the same. And we said that out loud. We spent hours talking about how this was the end of something and the beginning of another. Several times we confided in each other that after this, nothing could seem really weird ever again. In hindsight I realize how naive that was and how good we had life to that point.

As a reward for helping with the move our parents allowed us to take the pickup to the drive in movies. After the movie we headed straight home as we were notoriously “good girls” and also because the police had a habit of calling the parents of those underage who would wander about town after 12am. When we drove up to our new apartment we realized that none of us had keys to get into the apartment. We could get into the building, but not the actual unit that we lived in. Lucky for us we lived on the ground floor. We walked around to the bedroom that our parents had taken over and banged on the window. Forever. They didn’t budge. They didn’t look up or roll over or anything. They were conked from the physical labor they had put out that day and our efforts to wake them did nothing. This was before cell phones had made their way in to the purses of teenage girls. Even if we had them we had not yet had our home phone installed.

At this point we were tired as well and decided to drive to the old house to see if we could get inside. The new occupants had not moved in. We were able to get in and lay down on the floor of our empty family room and tried to get some sleep. It was useless however. It felt so weird to be there. The previous day we had been sitting in that same spot watching television and now it was empty and creepy. It didn’t feel like our home anymore and we left because it brought out unpleasant emotions that I don’t think we were able to deal with yet. So, back into the Chevy we went.

Driving around for a bit and playing with the CB radio while unwisely chatting it up with truckers from all over held our interest for a short time. But we were tired and wanted to be out of the truck. We discussed where we could go that would allow us inside and not call the police. After a bit my sister had a light bulb flash, “Airport!” she said. And so we went. We drove to the airport, parked the pickup and walked in. About this time it was two in the morning and there were no travelers around. But it was not empty. There were other wanderers in there at this time. Remember this was seven years before 9/11 and every corner of the airport was open for roaming. I remember one man in particular dressed in the brightest red tux with tails and matching top hat. . That’s an image I cannot wipe from my brain, though it felt like something you’d see in a dream. After raiding the vending machines, walking to all the gates and basically loitering we decided that it was about that time when we could be out of the house without consequence. So we drove back to the apartment . My parents were still dead to the world. We then drove to a nearby diner called Bob’s Country Kitchen for hot chocolate. At this point coffee was still a dirty adult beverage. When we finally got home and our parents were awake we braced ourselves for our punishment. I mean, we were out all night long. But nothing happened. Nothing at all. They DIDN”T EVEN ASK!

Throughout that summer we felt this new sense of freedom from parents that we had never known before. Looking back I am sure it had something to do with the scary endeavor that they were embarking on. Their minds were occupied with more things than keeping a head count of us. I did not know then that my parents were capable of anxiety.

We made a couple more midnight airport runs that summer. That felt like our place. We shared our new secret with other friends who in turn would go as well. I would LOVE to know what would have happened if we were caught. I think the conversation with the authorities would go something like this:
Police: where are you young ladies headed?
Us: the airport
Police: you picking someone up this late?
Us: no
Police: uh, well, why are you going there?
Us: it’s super duper fun and we like to and there’s a photo booth and OK Soda in the soda machine and I want to see the top hat guy again…it’s like a quest!
Police: I’m gonna give you a narcotics test now

But, we never did get caught. We went out at night and just being out felt awesome and rebellious. During the day we began going places for hours at a time without asking for permission or letting anyone know our plans. It was scary and wonderful.

When we finally said goodbye to Minnesota that August we knew that there was nothing more we could have done to make that summer the best one any of us would ever have. And, moving to our new town we had a sense of self that I am sure helped us out as we were now the outsiders in a school where we knew nobody and a place where nothing was familiar.

Not long after I turned eighteen we confessed to all the midnight journeys we took during that summer and others. It was as though there were things we had wanted to share with our parents for so long, but only could after we knew that it was far too late for any consequences. I hope that when my son gets to be the age when he first feels freedom he will choose activities as silly and trivial as I did.


Posted in Blogroll, family, funner, happiness, health, home, Life | Tagged , , , , , | 9 Comments

White Castle Machine? (parts 1 and 2)

On Thursday nights I drive from one campus to another ending up in Downtown Minneapolis. It’s about 5:30 when I get there and at this point I may or may not have eaten anything all day. So, I headed to the vending machines tonight to see what tasty treats they had to offer. What i found was terrific in the worst way.

Yes, both hot sandwiches and ice cream in the same plastic and metal house.

Now, I have no desire to eat supper out of a chute, but let’s see what they have anyhow:
Photobucket

This is the meal and ice cream machine. it’s glow is eating my soul.

Photobucket

First option I checked out was burritos. I am going to pass on this one based on the level of food poisoning pouring out of the tortilla.

Photobucket

We are skipping this cause if it’s spelled wrong, it probably is not real chicken.

Photobucket

Dang. One time my son’s daycare went to White Castle and he told me he never wanted to go back because the sandwiches are “wet.” he is very right. But I am going to go get one of these during the break of this class and I know you all will be waiting with anxious eyes to see what it looks like. Class is starting and I must go.

Part II- (a few hours later, and now in my apartment)

Alright. I spent my 1.50 on the mystery burger and out popped a package with two frozen “burgers”.

Photobucket

I was in a hurry to get home, and since they were not cooked as I thought they might be I figure they would do just fine in my own microwave. After reading the insanely easy directions. ( Open package. Microwave for 60 seconds) I followed them and waited

Photobucket

Here they are. I wish I could express in words how badly the smell. Theres a ridiculous amount of chopped onion on here as well.

Photobucket

I forgot about how White Castle takes care to poke five holes into their beef patties. I have always wondered why.

Unfortunately I am suffering the type of gut rot only given from eating Burger King between classes. I think there are sightless baby kittens clawing their way through my stomach as we speak. I have to work in nine hours so, I cannot justify cocktailing my food poisoning sources this evening. I will just let you use your imagination as to how they taste. Or, come visit me at school and try one for yourself. We can be college buddies!

Posted in Blogroll, Fine Dining, happiness, health, Life, school | Tagged , , , , , | 16 Comments