White Castle Machine? (parts 1 and 2)

On Thursday nights I drive from one campus to another ending up in Downtown Minneapolis. It’s about 5:30 when I get there and at this point I may or may not have eaten anything all day. So, I headed to the vending machines tonight to see what tasty treats they had to offer. What i found was terrific in the worst way.

Yes, both hot sandwiches and ice cream in the same plastic and metal house.

Now, I have no desire to eat supper out of a chute, but let’s see what they have anyhow:

This is the meal and ice cream machine. it’s glow is eating my soul.


First option I checked out was burritos. I am going to pass on this one based on the level of food poisoning pouring out of the tortilla.


We are skipping this cause if it’s spelled wrong, it probably is not real chicken.


Dang. One time my son’s daycare went to White Castle and he told me he never wanted to go back because the sandwiches are “wet.” he is very right. But I am going to go get one of these during the break of this class and I know you all will be waiting with anxious eyes to see what it looks like. Class is starting and I must go.

Part II- (a few hours later, and now in my apartment)

Alright. I spent my 1.50 on the mystery burger and out popped a package with two frozen “burgers”.


I was in a hurry to get home, and since they were not cooked as I thought they might be I figure they would do just fine in my own microwave. After reading the insanely easy directions. ( Open package. Microwave for 60 seconds) I followed them and waited


Here they are. I wish I could express in words how badly the smell. Theres a ridiculous amount of chopped onion on here as well.


I forgot about how White Castle takes care to poke five holes into their beef patties. I have always wondered why.

Unfortunately I am suffering the type of gut rot only given from eating Burger King between classes. I think there are sightless baby kittens clawing their way through my stomach as we speak. I have to work in nine hours so, I cannot justify cocktailing my food poisoning sources this evening. I will just let you use your imagination as to how they taste. Or, come visit me at school and try one for yourself. We can be college buddies!

About kristiane

killing spiders with my laser eyes.
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16 Responses to White Castle Machine? (parts 1 and 2)

  1. tony says:

    thank you for the laugh . it reminds me of my stint at ups and everyone would line up for the worst food on earth in the vending machines . Sometimes i think the only thing good to come from a machine was ciggarettes but alas you probably werent even alive when these were around .

  2. tony says:

    trying to piggy back and post my my space thing is that tackey ?

  3. Kris says:

    White castle from a restaurant is bad enough. I can’t even imagine the sucktitude of those vending burgers. You must tell us all of the horrid details….

  4. kristiane says:

    yes. I just cooked up the mofo…it was very wrong.

  5. kristiane says:

    Tony- BTW…In Washington as you remember you cannot get into a bar unless you are 21, so there were ciggy machines all over the place.
    You are not that old…just wise:)

  6. Greg says:

    “sightless baby kittens clawing their way through my stomach”

    Damn, that’s funny. Not what you’re feeling but how you described it.

  7. essaytch says:

    The only use for the holes in the burger that I can think of would be to let the fat cook out more…which brings up a visual that has my stomach churning. I don’t think we have White Castles in Washington, do we? From the looks of it, probably a good thing…

  8. kristiane says:

    Nope. No white Castles there…feel blessed. You instead get Jack in the Box, which may or may not be better food. It’s the antenae toppers that put them ahead.

    OH! Wait…There’s DICKS!! Man I miss that place. And their shakes. essaytch, go to Dicks drive in for me!

  9. Michael says:

    eh…I really liked the movie (harold and kumar go to white castle) and i’m looking forward to the sequel! haha

    i’ve never tried authentic white castle, from the source. But I had costco white castle when I was little, and actually liked it. But that vending machine looked pretty ghetto…you must’ve been very hungry.

  10. kristiane says:

    I did not eat the burgers. I feel badly only for the buck fifty I lost and the food that went to waste. But it really wasn’t food.

  11. essaytch says:

    DICKS!!! I looooove Dicks….ok, that sounded really dirty. I used to live down the street from the Dicks in Wallingford by the UW, and if the wind blew just right, you could smell the burgers. Here’s the greatest thing about Dicks (the drive in, not the body part): the people that work there do all the math IN THEIR HEADS in, like, 5 seconds. So no matter what combination of goodies you order, they’ve got your total immediately, no calculator necessary. Frickin’ awesome. Gotta love Dicks.

  12. Michael says:

    oh…i re-read it. Man… If burger king gave you “sightless baby kittens,” i could only imagine what that vending machine white castle had in store for you.

    And this essaytch is pretty funny. This is the second time she’s made me laugh audibly in your comment section (the post about the poetry class was the other). But I can’t believe I laughed (multiple times) at this one though….I feel like I’m back in the 7th grade…eh…it’s late, and i needed a laugh today.

    But it IS kinda funny if you think about it…Dicks! hahah

  13. tony says:

    first of thanx , After reading this I imagine your on the mend . I like part two .

  14. essaytch says:

    Michael…ha ha! You said “dicks”. Glad to make you laugh…it’s my new mission. Look for me in your comments…I’ll be hittin’ you up with my sassy musings. Wah dih tah. šŸ™‚ In the meantime, I’ve got a hankering for some Dicks….CHEESEBURGERS! Sheesh, you guys….what are you, like 12?

  15. kittymao says:

    normally I like white castle, but that looks downright SCARY, mang.
    I haven’t eaten food from a vending machine since college and EVEN THEN, i’d only eat it if I could see its expiration date, or could visibly SEE the product to know what state of decomposition it was in.

    On that note- never buy yogurt from vending machines.

  16. King of the White Castle says:


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