2009?

Posted on December 15, 2008 by kristiane

I have been certainly lazy at the least lately, as far as pounding hands on computer and hitting, “Publish!” I have exactly 47 unfinished drafts as well as two unfinished college classes, a messy messy house, and a sack full of Christmas presents that I have not yet wrapped and have hopefully not been found by the curious seven-year-old that roams the house in his boxers as though he lives here with no one else.

new-years1

So, I decided to break trend and talk about some New Years Resolutions that I will never be able to attain fully. It’s a bit early being as we haven’t hit the guilt and regret of The Big Daddy Holiday but I thought I’d try to be the first on the block to prepare a clichéd list of generic hopes for my personal life. Ready for the fun?

Be a Better Parent
I have been told by every teacher, babysitter, daycare provider, and lady on the street corner that I have a smart son. Thing is, he is too effin smart. He can argue logically why it was completely necessary to eat 17 chocolate chip cookies in the middle of the night while I was fast asleep. He can cry and produce real tears on cue when I am disappointed with him, but…he gives me hugs whenever I want. I just want to have one month without a teacher calling me to let me know that “Max decided to paint the floor today, because the paper was not large enough to accommodate the entire solar system. Do you think you can mention to him when he gets home why this was a poor choice?”

Eat Better
I have changed weight since the whole weight issue only 1/2 pound. I have a weigh in on January 10th, let’s hope to get that up to 3. Lately I have been on a kick of, “If it’s free shove it in your mouth” Which allots me many bowls of oatmeal and toast, but not much more.

***Quick not that is way off topic, as I am writing, there are two obviously intoxicated ladies hopping into their luxury SUVs heading out of the 5 star restaurant whose parking lot is outside my window. They are yelling “Merry Christmas Everybody!!!”. Don’t do this please, cabs are fun.

Quit drinking, smoking, shooting up heroin, starving myself, binge eating, procrastinating, and stealing large automobiles for scrap metal.

Sorry , those ladies were annoying and I lost my train of thought.

The last year of the first decade of the new millennium is approaching, and if you think hard about it, that means something.

Posted in Blogroll, drunk, entertainment, family, food, funner, happiness, health, Holidays, how to, kids | Tagged annoying ladies, drinking, DUIs, new years, resolutions | 1 Comment

Wish List

Posted on December 11, 2008 by kristiane

Man, just fourteen more days! Christmas this year will consist of me and The Max getting down with some carols and hopefully sledding at the park nearby. He has two sets of grandparents who desire to make him love them more with their present selections. Then there’s me, who just wants to buy him cool toys that I want to play with. Include the random aunts, uncles and cousins and that boy is overloaded come Christmas morning with things I have to break out of clam shell packages and/or assemble.

In our family, the adults really don’t go insane over buying each other presents. If one sees something that the other “has got to have” it will be bought. As a general rule in our family, presents are for the kids. This rule is fine by me, being as I am in the lowest income household of the people I am related to and I would feel silly accepting lavish gifts while handing out junk.

However, what if I were to make a amazingly commercial wish list, things I would never ever think to buy myself, things I certainly want but do not need? What would I ask Santa for if he allowed me on his lap? I’ll tell you right now.

A Wii

wii

When I was maybe 10, we were given a Nintendo by a childless uncle. I played that thing until all the blowing in the world would not clean those games. After that all gaming systems were lost on me. I never became a fan of Playstation, X-Box, or any other system showing off more than 8 bits. Then I played a Wii. I really love it. What I love most of all is that you can download NES games and play them as well. Essentially, I want to be given a three hundred dollar toy so I can play Mario 3.

A new Car

smart-car

Part of me wants a Smart Car. Parking would be great. Road trips would be cheap. I could trade smug looks with drivers behind the wheels of Hummers. The rest of me still wants an Element. I could fit more in the car for those road trips. Crashes would not include certain death.

An All inclusive Cruise

love-boat

Don’t get me wrong, I would take a road trip over a cruise any day. However, cruises sound so…lazy. I could use some lazy right now. Eating, sleeping, playing in a pool with a couple few hour adventures in foreign warm cities. I think I would get into that.

Gym Membership

gym

I really love working out. More or less because when I do I A) gain a bit of muscle on my spaghetti arms and B) allow myself a half hour to an hour with my iPod, which I never touch otherwise. Every gym I have been a member of is the sort with mostly men and where both genders wear ratty sweats and baggy shirts. I should join a club where the beautiful people go and buy some spandex.

Labeled Purse

purse

Last year, I bought a boring black purse at Kohl’s. I am still using it today. I like pretty girly things that smell nice and have ruffles, but honestly, I would rather never carry a purse. Think about it, you could walk around with both hands free for simultaneous high fives. Thing is, if a girl sticks a fat wallet in her back pocket, the bulge is kinda weird looking. So, I think I should get a purse fancier than my own…or maybe a fancy fanny-pack.

Snow Plow

snow-plow

I live in a building with no parking lot, no drive way, nothing. However, just outside my bedroom window is a parking lot whose owners insist on plowing between three and six AM. I would gladly plow that mofo’ for free if they let me do it during daylight hours.

Ladies and gentlemen, that was my list. Short, slightly boring, and most certainly incomplete.

I want to know what you would put on your list. Commercial items only, none of this “time with family” crap. 😉

Posted in Blogroll, family, funner, happiness, health, how to, kids, Life, survey | Tagged cars, Christmas, presents, snow plows, vacations, wish list | 6 Comments

Diet Coke

Posted on December 9, 2008 by kristiane

July 4, 1982.

diet-coke

Where were you when the soda giant Coca-Cola launched its devil beverage simply titled, “Diet Coke?” In the twenty-six plus years since that day, the diet drink has taken over every other soda in sales with the exception of Pepsi and of course, Coca-Cola. Diet Coke has changed its formula a few times, switching the amount of saccharin and aspartame it uses it the early years. Now, if you purchase a can or a bottle, you’ll get a product sweetened with aspartame, go to a fountain and they add a touch of saccharin to extend the shelf life. Yes, that saccharin. The saccharin that gives mice cancer. I choose to refer to the ingredient as “crazy juice.” Why? I believe Diet Coke drinkers are a breed of their own to begin with. However, those who gather in a public place and suck down the fountain variety are unknowingly taken control of by the beverage.

Last week, at the restaurant I serve at there were twelve followers at one table. Twelve ladies and gentlemen white knuckling their clear cool glasses with the addictive soft drink. I brought pitcher after pitcher to re-pour for them their narcotic of choice. Ever noticed that if you are sitting with a group of soda drinkers at a restaurant, the Diet Coke drinkers down seventeen times as much soda as those who choose the sugary stuff? When the server brings forth a pitcher, they quickly suck down the remaining ounces. They do this not because they are thirsty or to wash down the enormous bite of burger they just gnawed. They do it because they wish to consume as much Diet Coke as possible for two bucks.

Luckily, we serve Coke products and not Pepsi. If the situation were reversed, I would have many customers choose water with a slice of lemon in lieu of the rival sugar-free soda. Since we are talking about lemons, there’s usually one or two at the table that needs a lemon or maybe a lime. Regular Coke drinkers don’t do this. Regular Coke drinkers do not demand extra ice, no ice, an extra straw or to have an IV inserted by their server so they don’t have to stop eating to take a sip.

tab-soda

Before Diet Coke, there was Tab. Also, diet-Pepsi and Diet Rite (the choice of geriatrics). Tab was the most popular of the lot, wearing a cute pink outfit. Diet coke quickly diminished the sales of all three and has expanded to include caffeine-free, Splenda sweetened, Coke Zero, and is now found flavored with lemon, lime, cherry, and vanilla.

You are wondering why I am so harsh on the beverage. I don’t like it, though I will drink it if I am at one’s home who only stocks that in their fridge. I just find it funny that it seems to be the beverage of soda junkies. Yes, there’s people out there who down a case a day of every soda that is made, but there are just more who do so with Diet Coke.

I will end with a silly story. Last summer in the height of the soda season, an employee where I worked accidentally hooked up regular Coke to the diet spout. For two days we had hundreds of glasses gulped by die hard Diet Coke fans, not one spoke up. It was only caught by the next person who changed the syrup. I wouldn’t do that on purpose ever, I do understand that people with diabetes should not be fooled. I think I am going to pen a letter to Coca-Cola requesting that Diet Coke be replaced with the retired OK Soda. Sure, they won’t listen, but maybe I’ll get another letter.

Posted in Blogroll, business, Fine Dining, food, funner, happiness, health, Hell's Kitchen, how to, job, OK Soda, pilver | Tagged Addicts, coke, Diet Coke, food, Pop, soda | 14 Comments

Top 7 Best Christmas Songs pt 1

Posted on December 2, 2008 by kristiane

Last week I revealed the worst, now let’s think about the better ones, or rather the best. I am starting with modern songs. I may or may not do a classic list. And by modern, I mean since I have been alive. Don’t just think these are my own personal favorite. These have been scientifically proven through careful calculations and experiments to be the best of the best. Ladies and gentlemen I present the Top 7 Christmas (Modern) Songs of All Time!

7.Last Christmas-Wham!

George was so heartbroken here. Poor guy. But not THIS year, this year his heart is going to someone Speechaall!

6.All I Want For Christmas is You-Mariah Carey

Raise your hand if you always sing this song extra loudly in your car…higher, you in the back…yes, I saw you on the freeway in your pick-up and flannel. It’s okay, we all do it.

5. Deck the Halls- Mannheim Steamroller

The only thing I dislike about this band is that I cannot sing along to others when they play. Also, with a name like Mannheim Steamroller, I think they are huge hairy guys who could crush me in their fist, so I have to put them on the list so I don’t die.

4. Wonderful Christmastime- Paul McCartney

Screw you to every list that names this as a poor song. Anything with synthesizers is OK in my book.

3.2000 Miles-The Pretenders

This song is pretty and stuff. I should listen to The Pretenders more often.

2.Baby Please Come Home-U2

I love U2. I love Bono. Sure he’s gotten to be annoying and weird, but he made this song, which makes it all worth it today.

1.Same Auld Lang Syne

Man this is a splendid way to express the true meaning of the holidays. Sharing a six-pack in a car before the snow turns into rain=Poetry.

The bulk of the world only finds it acceptable to blast this music for the next 23 days, so get on it now. If you need help finding a place to stream a good mix online I suggest X-Entertainment’s Holiday Jukebox. And if you are craving some Jingle Bell’s in July you can find peace in knowing the site’s amazing webmaster keeps it up year round.

*One last Note*

Being as I am pushing XE already, I have to suggest some light reading at the online Advent Calender. It’s my newest favorite Christmas tradition. If you have a lot of time catch up with the previous years here. Or just jump into 2008. It’s like no other advent out there. No chocolate is involved, but it may be the only online calender with plots and conspiracies.

Posted in Blogroll, dancing, entertainment, family, health, Holidays, home, how to, Life, music, poetry, U2 | Tagged Christmas, music, Songs, The Pretenders, U2, Wham! | 3 Comments

Tree!

Posted on November 30, 2008 by kristiane

I missed yesterday. I was busy chopping down a Christmas tree. I have never done that before. Sincerely, I was hoping for an axe to swing mightily for a half-hour or so before peering upwards and hollering “TIMBER!” at the top of my lungs as a Goliath sized evergreen came crashing to the ground with a noise so enormous that little forest animals would come out from their nooks to see the feat I accomplished. Instead, the man at the tree farm handed me a wimpy saw which I used to slice down a tree in three minutes flat.

That’s what happens when you choose a six foot soft wood Christmas tree. After securing it into the trunk of my mother’s rental car we drove home and set the beast up.

I’m usually pretty uniform about how I put up the lights and where I place the decorations. This year The Max decided to help out with the trimmings and it’s almost as though we threw everything on from the opposite side of the room and just left it where it landed. I am not a ‘theme tree’ person. I like to have a hodge podge of decorations collected over the years with every color of lights they made and garland in seventeen varieties.

The best part about the tree, any tree for that matter, is when it’s time to go to bed. You turn off all the lights in the house with the exception of those tree lights.

There’s nothing better looking than that, not even Mr Cusack himself can rival that beauty.

Now, if I had John’s face on some ornaments…that might create a force so great the world would be in harmony and peace would return to the Middle East. That, or the world would implode. I’d rather not chance it.

Posted in Blogroll, family, happiness, health, Holidays, home, how to, Life | Tagged Axes, Christmas, Christmas Tree, Saws, Tree Sap | 4 Comments

Holidazzle 2008

Posted on November 28, 2008 by kristiane

In the Land of 10,000 Lakes, we enjoy freezing. At least some of us do. The rest have to put up with it regardless of enjoyment, because it’s bound to happen when tempuratures are below the point where water solidifies in at least nine months of the year.

Because of this, the day after Thanksgiving all the way until Christmas the city of Minneapolis hosts a parade at night where we can sport our greatest heavy coats and clutch paper cups of cocoa. The parade is called Holidazzle. It runs down Nicolett Avenue, which we would call Main St. if larger cities had main streets. There’s floats which are based on fairy tales ending with Mr. S.C. ho-ho-hoing his way into the season. All the street lights are turned off for the parade as all the floats are lit with Christmas lights.

Every year I annoyingly insist that everyone in the family be there on Black Friday, which is the debut of the parade for the year. This year held no exceptions. I’d like to show you better photos of the night, but I got stuck behind a man with a bald spot and his lovely wife who were not going to move for the hyper redhead who took one hundred and nine photos during the festivities. So, I present to you Holidazzle Oh Eight!

PInnochio was a bit creepy. There were a dozen or so fairy tale style floats. Most of which I got terrible pics of. Whoops.

This is supposed to be a snowman that does nothing more than spin and make you feel jolly. This year they dressed the snowman as Joe Mauer with Minnesota Twins gear and sideburns and all, in the spinning I could not get a decent shot.

This float was completely empty. It was quite confusing. I was very tempted to climb on up myself and sing some carols. However they collect food for a local food shelf nightly and I did not want said food to be thrown at me.

The local bus company does this every year I would be impressed if I saw it making the rounds on a random Tuesday night, but never have.

Santa’s workshop float.

These little weird bulbs are running all over the place. I’d love to be assigned as a light bulb one year for the parade.

So, Santa comes around and we know it’s over. I always swear I will come back at least once or twice during the season to the parade, yet never do. Maybe this year I will follow through.

Posted in Blogroll, family, happiness, health, home, kids, travel | Tagged Christmas, Cocoa, Holidays, Lights, Parades, Santa | 8 Comments

Cranberry Sauce etc.

Posted on November 27, 2008 by kristiane

Let’s visit Thanksgiving. The eating and football holiday. The holiday where in your adult life you do not sit and reflect on thing to be thankful for because nobody is making you write an essay thinking of it any longer. To me, the holiday means one entire day spent with family beginning with the Macy*s Parade followed by trying to get the women in the generation above me to allow me to help with the food. I always get stuck with the rolls, however. I ask what I can donate to the meal, and I get the rolls. I want the pie. I don’t have the feast at my home, so I cannot realistically contribute the hot food. Let me have the pie for pete’s sake. You’re just gonna go down to the Bakery and buy some out of the display case anyhow. I can make you a lovely homemade pumkin pie with crust from scratch and everything. GIVE ME THE PIE!!!

Quick Note: I DID get assigned pies this year, and my out-of-town visiting mother found out this incredible news. After which she ran over to the grocery store and BOUGHT THREE PIES!!! It’s like I am Charlie Brown and creating masterful pies is the foot ball and that B**** Lucy keeps taking the pies while I stumble to the ground.

Ahem. After the meal we take a walk. It is very important to burn off 98 calories from the dinner before attacking the dessert. Yes, let’s pretend that’s a huge dent in the 1736 calories we consumed in turkey, stuffing and egg nog. So, it’s parade, dinner, pie and then we search for a movie to attend at the local multi-plex, just like the pilgrims did nearly four centuries earlier. It is a sight to have twenty-three of your kin occupy an entire row, usally the front row because they argued about what to see or where to go for too long and arrived late.

The movie ends, the day is over, but it does not end quite yet. Because there are always out of town visitors, there’s wine and talking and board games and shuffling little kids off to bed. Finally, seventy-four people fall asleep all over your five hundred square foot apartment.

The greatest holiday of the year has ended, but there is not a let-down as there can be with Christmas. Why? Because Thanksgiving is the kick-off. It’s the welcome wagon for the next month of festive events.

I realize, mostly because my hit counter tells me so, that you are all busy with things other than reading tales of others’ holiday celebrations, but if you are here:

Posted in Blogroll, family, food, happiness, health, home, how to, kids, Life, travel | Tagged family, Lack of good pie, More Pie, movies, Pie, Thanksgiving, Turkey | 4 Comments

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