Thanks to the brilliant writers of Fairly Odd Parents, I have to break my son out of his innocent shell. I caught him singing a song today with only the words, “I’m too sexy for me sexy.” I quizzed the boy where he heard them, he told me from the TV show Fairly Odd Parents. I then searched online and sure enough, there’s an episode where a character does sing that song. Then I asked him if he knew what it meant. He told me that sexy was a man and a lady in a bed naked. Crap.
It’s not as though I am going to have a hard time telling him how he was brought forth in this world. The conversation is going to be hilarious, I really doubt I will be uncomfortable. I just want to now shrink him back to a baby, so I can live the last seven years, two months, and twenty-four days of innocence all over again.
Also, I have no idea what is supposed to be said. How far into it do I go? Is there a pamphlet for this talk? When he’s sixteen is he going to dig through mom’s old blog and slam his bedroom door and tell me he hates me forever?
…here we go!
The Pilver 
I think I’ve seen that episode. 😀
So have I, sadly.
Can you please expose The Max to “Happy Happy, Joy Joy” to balance out the cosmos?
You only tell him enough to answer his questions logically. As he gets older the questions will become more direct. Always be honest, implore a little common sense (i.e., a 7-year-old doesn’t need to know every detail of how a baby is made), and don’t be afraid to respond with, “Let me get back to you on that one after I’ve had a chance to think about it.”
Why can’t he just think that sexy is a man and a lady in a bed naked??? As long as the lady is falling asleep while the man is watching Leno or old Seinfeld reruns, it’s pretty close to my definition of sexy time…
In second grade my friend taught me what the word “hump” meant. She said, “make a circle with the finger and thumb of your one hand. Stick a finger from your other hand in the circle, and wiggle it around.” Then I found the naked books at the public library and learned the rest on my own by putting a Highlights magazine around the outside so it looked like that’s what I was reading.
You know, honestly, my dad’s poorly hidden porno magazines and a few movies at my cousin’s house taught me everything I needed to know when I was a kid. By the time I was 8 or 9 I knew how the deed was done, but that was about it. Elementary school sex-ed class cleared up everything else, including what all that weird stuff in the feminine hygiene isle at the grocery store was for. My parents never gave me “the talk”. I think since they were divorced, each one was waiting for the other one to step up. Either that, or they just figured I’d figure it out on my own one way or the other. I’m glad I was spared that, honestly. It would have been really uncomfortable for everyone involved. The closest I ever got was my dad sitting down with me once when I was about 14 or 15 just to tell me to always use protection.
I guess just be honest with him and don’t force the topics that make him too uncomfortable. Speaking as someone who was once a pre-teen boy, I can’t imagine anything more uncomfortable or horrifying than talking about sex with my mom. That’s still true, by the way. Either way, whatever you tell him will be better than what he’s hearing from his friends at school. Kids at that age have a lot of nutty ideas.
OH MY GOD!!!
#1) I TOLD YOU SO! You were all like, “Max doesn’t know anything about sex.” And I TOLD YOU he would be finding out stuff from his friends…and he did. Where do you think he got the whole man and woman naked in bed bit! I own!
#2) You are TOTALLY going to be uncomfortable. You are uncomfortable talking about sex to adults. Don’t try to deny it.
#3) I hear there are videos for this, if you want a visual aid. Thats what my parents used for my sisters, I hear. So much better than how I found out…from Janet Jackon in an episode of “Good Times.”