I have had the plague for at least two weeks now.    It came on slow and unassuming.  Last night I think it peaked, complete with sky high temperatures and a visit to the urgent care center because I was actually scared of my body temperature.

People:  there is nothing less interesting than hearing someone describe their illness to you.  Nothing.  So, allow me to do so anyhow.  Please read in your most monotone Ben Stein voice.

I had a low grade fever.  For about a week.  Just enough to make me not want to engage in my usual bouts of crime and sky diving yet not enough to make me call in sick to work.  Then, Tuesday night it hit.  Hard.  Chills, fever, throat swollen shut, the whole bit.  Finally Wednesday, after utilizing every homeopathic option at my local co-op, I caved and went to the 99999 cent store (aka The Clinic) and sat for almost three hours to secure three minutes of quality time with the doctor, Dr. Roman.    Almost every time I see a doc, it is the first and the last time.  Not that I hate them or anything, I just don’t go frequently enough or live in one place long enough to develop those close personable relationships I hear about on TV.

So, Roman determined I had strep throat…or not.  Roman didn’t seem to sure.  Either way, I was allowed to purchase a large bottle of thirty red pills I get to take for the next ten days.

I went home, started my dosage.  Then the worst thing happened.  I got a crazy high fever.  I dunno what it was at the highest, cause I fell asleep with the thermometer in my mouth.  It was almost fun.  I mean, those fevers are like a strange high people must pay heavily for on the streets.   Of course, minus all the shivering and whatnot.

Shook. Froze. Sweated.  All night long.  Seemingly simultaneously.  Woke up this morning with a seal shut throat and no will power to drive The Max to school.  It’s a bit sad when your kid begs you to get out of bed so they can enjoy public education and you really want to tell them to shove off and embrace a job in physical labor.

Anyhow, either the red pills are doing their job or I am in a hallucinated state which allows me to believe I am sitting upright and typing.  Regardless, I am looking forward to dancing with the rabbit on the coffee table.

Cheers!

7. Marc from Empire Records

I was so tempted to use Warren, and omit Marc altogether.  But, I had this crush on Ethan Embry in the late 90’s, so he won the #7 spot.  Also, this clip is one of the best parts of the film. (The movie’s not real deep).

Notable Line:

We mustn’t dwell… no, not today. We CAN’T. Not on Rex Manning day!

6. Allison from Breakfast Club

She shook out dandruff then transformed via mascara.

Notable line:

I never did it either. I’m not a nymphomaniac. I’m a compulsive liar.

5. Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything

I could have made him #1, but that would be expected.

Notable line:

I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.

4.Cynthia from Dazed and Confused

Cynthia was chosen only because of her red ‘fro.  If her hair was not so fantab, Mathew McConaughey would be in this position.

Notable Quote:

Why’d we even come here?

3. Duckie From Pretty in Pink

I’da picked Duckie.   Dumb girl.

Notable line:

May I admire you again today?

2. Mouth from The Goonies

The Goonies teeters between the children’s and teen genre.  Corey Feldman was thirteen or fourteen when it came out, so I’ll let it count.

Notable line:

Your looks are kinda pretty, when your face isn’t screwing it up.

1. Daniel from The Karate Kid

Duh, It’s Daniel-san!  Everyone alive has seen this movie.  How many teen movies has your great grandma Ethel seen?  The answer is one.

Notable Line:

Wouldn’t a fly swatter be easier?

My sister completely anonymous friend called me yesterday and told me a story about my niece a random child that neither of us know.   It was a funny bit, and I told her I needed her to email me the picture that went with the story, cause I wanted to blog about it.  Somehow, this person must think I am wildly popular, because she made me promise to leave out names and specifics of location.  Little does she know that the three people who read this blog are too lazy to cyber stalk my family members.

This is a random child:

She’s six years old, loves the color pink and somehow has developed an accent similar to the assistant coach from that Adam Sandler movie, The Waterboy.  She’s the sort of child you want to follow around and observe, because you know that she is going to say something funny at any given moment.  When I call their house, and she answers the phone, I’ll ask what her mom is doing.  The response is always a literal play-by-play of what her mother (a housewife of four and full time college student) happens to be in the midst of at that very second.

Well, in the first grade there is a ‘child of the day’.  On your day you get to write what you like about that day or week.  In addition, you are allowed to draw a picture of yourself doing what it was that you liked.  Look at the newsletter that was sent home last week.  (I blocked out her name, because as I said, my sister thinks people may actually read this)

They grow up so fast.

Well, this is only what I did for about ten minutes or so.  But you should totally go to CVS or if you are more adventurous one of those Halloween Superstores that are popping up all over.  Sure, it’s early and you might change your mind six times on how you will dress up.  But what is more fun than trying on stuffy latex masks that ten other people have also tried on prior to you during flu season?

Excellent. I was hoping you would continue reading!  I have not been sick  (REALLY sick where I was not just calling into work because I skipped out on sleeping) in four years.  I swear this is true.  I was thinking I must have developed some sort of super-power.  I mean, everyone gets sick now and then.   I seemed to be immune to every cold, flu, and infection going around.

But now, I am almost sick.  My temperature is running  at about 99.8.  (Guise you will have to use a conversion chart to see what that means.)  I don’t feel great, but if I went to bed I would get bored and get right back up.   This is so much worse than an actual full blown flu and/or cold.  If I had the junk all the way, I would lie in bed, moan, and desire the pity of all my friends and family members who phoned to check in.  Or if I were well, I would spend the weekend at a couple museums and have fantastic photos to wow you all.

Instead I am going to be sitting here, evaluating every body ache and stomach rumble determining if I am heading towards sickness or health.  Maybe next week, if whatever this is has not  passed, I will try one of those detox diets.  I’ll yak for sure then.

Yes, that’s right.  An elephant’s in my way.  The perfect school with the perfect degree and the perfect schedule does not accept federal aid.   Now I must learn how to ride that big beast.