There is a store in the town nearest to my home and it boasts a wide selection of necessities and nonsense. It’s called The Variety Store and the name explains what they sell. A little of what you need, some of what you don’t, and a whole ton of things no person alive has ever needed.
I grabbed a ten dollar bill and The Max and told him we had a solid goal of finding the weirdest stuff we could find with my cash. Plenty of treasures were left behind as ten bucks doesn’t go far, even at The Variety Store. But let me tell you a story about what we did buy.
Candy cigarettes are still a thing. Who knew? But no longer can they be titled cigarettes, but instead, candy. With, I believe, an imitation at the Lucky Strike logo and proper shape and sized box you can buy your child not candy cigarettes, but candy…candy?!
Is there a worst tasting candy than this? Slightly sweet chalk doesn’t seem to be enough to merit pretending to smoke cigarettes. If we’re splitting hairs about this, pretending to smoke doesn’t seem like a joy ride either.
There’s so much to love to hate about this gag toy that I tossed a coin on which to start with. It was tails, and tails was why is this a 14+ suggested aged product? It says right on the package that children under three years are at risk of cholking on the chunks of plastic. What about this is forbidden for the four to thirteen year old crowd?
The package also states it contains pimples and warts. However I only see one nipple and one raisin. What fun is a raisin looking gag? Pop it in a bowl of granola and congrats, your kid just cholked. And they aren’t even under three.
Finally that face that gentleman is making because his lady has suddenly sprouted a face full of “pimples.” This is supporting my conclusion that they are nipples. A man with that receding hair and beer gut certainly has seen a less than fair complextion in his lifetime. He has never seen a lady with a dozen nipples on her face, hence his cowering stance.
Lord let me never be the parent (or pet owner) who rejoices at the departure of my children. But if I am, let me not be the person who hangs signs showing whoever I know that I need to visit the great wizard for a new heart.
Look a little closer. I can actually read the words booze tube through the the plastic wrapper. Another thing, these are easily twice the length of a regular tampon. I’m guessing that if you truly attempted to sneak liquor into these products you would be fine as most folks don’t linger too long while searching purses shoved full of ginormous tampons.
My most favorite part of the tampon flask is the they specify it is not intended for illegal use. I’m still searching to figure out a legal scenario involving camouflaged liquor. Help me out and suggest one if you can.