I Miss The Max.

It’s been nearly five months since Max and I picked up our lives and relocated to Washington state.   This was not a random place we chose blindly, Max was born here.  My parents and siblings live here.  Also, Max’s father lives here.

Max’s dad and I split when he was one year old.  The divorce papers stated that we would share our son, though I held sole custody.    Despite what the arrangements were on paper, Max’s dad was in no condition to raise a child, and I was his only active parent.  Until now.

Two to three days every week, Max is with his father.  He lives two and a half hours from here and we meet in the middle at an espresso shop and trade my child like bought goods, except I hug my son more tightly that I would a package.

I hate this.  I thought it might get easier, but it has become so paralyzingly difficult to not hear my son’s voice non-stop.  There is nothing natural about not fully raising your child as a mother.  I am overwhelmed with guilt every time he leaves and the guilt mounts hour by hour until I burst into tears and drive my car to where I have cell service so I can talk to him.

For almost eight years it was me and The Max and nobody else.  Now, it doesn’t matter if I am surrounded by a million friends I feel insanely lonely when he is gone.  Weird thing is I have never been a clingy mom.  When Max is around, we do fun things together and have special activities we share, but most of the time we are just around each other.  Sometimes, if he is too hyper and I need a break I tell him I get a Mommy time-out where I get ten minutes to sit in quiet.

Now, while I am certainly happy that Max’s dad is doing well and capable of now knowing his son, I still want my child here as opposed to there.  I never had a baby with the intent of giving him away two days a week.   But there is no happy medium for that.  Some days I am tempted to make the five hour drive round trip so I can take Max to the park for a half-hour or just read him a story in bed.  Some day I probably will, especially if the pain of this sharing arrangement continues to grow.

About kristiane

killing spiders with my laser eyes.
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6 Responses to I Miss The Max.

  1. Amy says:

    Aw. That must be so weird for both of you. How is he handling it? Does your ex have other kids now too?

    • kristiane says:

      Max enjoys it as his father is unemployed and going to school so he has nothing but time for fishing and such…but one day he started crying and told me he hated missing me. Broke my heart.

      His dad has no other kids…or wife or girlfriend. Which is god. I might turn catty if I had to share with another ‘mommy’ type.

  2. DJ D says:

    When my dad used to get me every other weekend, it used to bother my mom a lot. He was re-married at the time and she wanted to know all about my stepmom, mostly out of jealousy, I think. Funny thing is, years later, she and the stepmom would go on to become pretty good friends. And when my dad divorced the second one, it was totally amicable. They still get along great too. The divorce lawyer said it was the first time he ever saw two people leave his office laughing.

    My family’s weird.

    But yeah, I think I see where you’re coming from. Having grown up with two parents that couldn’t be in the same room with each other without screaming, it was best if they had a neutral ground where they could do “the kid exchange”, so my mom would take me to work with her and my dad would meet me there. I actually used to like going to my dad’s though because he had cable TV and having two adults in the house that were married was like having two parents, which I always wanted. It didn’t last very long, but at least I could pretend for a couple of days. It’s good that Max has that at your place.

    • kristiane says:

      Luckily we mostly get along now. I had a hard time for so long hating my ex severely and just never bringing him up as I couldn’t fine anything positive to say.

  3. Amrione Guy says:

    I’ll follow your advice. Most of the time i only read marriage/relationship matter at mierue.com

  4. Johny fade says:

    What you have is very excellent reading. I usually read marriage/relationship matter at mierue.com

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