There’s a debate in my head that’s been going on this week. My goal is to once a day sit down and smack my hands against the keyboard and hope that one of a hundred of those days I might put something out I am proud to have written. What I choose to say varies. I certainly don’t have a format or structure that I follow as in this is a blog of hobby. I have met a lot of people from blogging, which I understand sounds peculiar to some. But, most of you understand what I mean. Most of you I have never been allow the pleasure of engaging in hand-shaking or even hearing your voice. This is life on the internet.
Sometimes, you break over that electronic barrier and get the opportunity to sit across a table from someone in a crowded bar while attempting to make yourself drunk enough that you are not nervous, but not too drunk so you don’t make yourself into a Lohan-esque fool. I chose to do this a year ago with a blogger, tg aka Tim aka boyfriend extraordinaire. I was hesitant, at best. I had developed a friendship with the person, and honestly feared I might really like him. Not in the way I like your new shirt, but in the way I had been avoiding for the past five years since shoving the idea of relationships into a bottle and corking it tight.
We’d emailed. We’d instant messaged. We’d even texted. But never spoke on the phone or saw each other in person despite that we lived in the same metropolitan area. And then he said this:
“because you are an anonymous bunch of electronic letters on my computer screen…”
For whatever reason, I did not want to be that anymore. So,we met at a bar and talked for hours just like they do in those romantic comedies. If only those romantic comedies had the main characters discussing how the bartender looks just like Harry from Dumb and Dumber while trying to take his picture without his knowledge.
It’s not the best picture, but I promise you, there’s a resemblance.
Ok. Now I will stop with the trip down memory lane and use a cliche’ I hate, “cut to the chase”. I have a list of things I need to and want to do, like
Be a good Mom
Finish these stupid Spanish class assignments.
Write a blog every day.
Work my laundry down to a pile shorter than myself.
Today, specifically, I wanted to finish my weekly Spanish classes and write a blog. And I will. But something is in my head now, that was not there before. Tg has cancer. It was a funky mole, that was diagnosed as melanoma. Skin was cut on either side of the mole, and came back from the lab as clean and melanoma-free. Big sigh of relief. Next step was a CT scan. I know all forms of cancer are not a good thing, but in the realm of cancers, this is near the bottom of the list of ones you want to have. What has been described to me as “flecks of melanoma on the lung” were found via the scan. I would like to think a miracle doctor could reach down his throat with a sharp tool and snip them off, but I am told it is not that easy. There’s gonna be “treatments”, which I am scared of more than the cancer. Though I am sure they will be beneficial. I am uncomfortable with things I do not understand. I do understand what foods are good and bad with cancer, and hopefully I won’t drive tg away with the broccoli and flax seeds I wish to prepare for him daily.
And I feel guilty. I chose to poison my own lungs for years, yet I don’t have to suffer. I don’t have a desire to be grim. I don’t want to sit and drone about this and nothing else for months. This is what I have been debating about, do I keep it personal, or do I share? I certainly don’t want to rake in attention. I am not asking for advice. I want to fix it, and I do not know how.
Being as I talk immensely about my offline life on this blog, I have had a tough time writing this week, because it has been on my mind quite a bit. And just so you know, he’s not sick. No typical symptoms have been shown. I am very hopeful things will remain this way.
Ok, tomorrow I will talk about Martha Stewart’s Halloween issue. Now, I’m going to go and speak Spanish phrases I do not understand into my computer’s microphone for my online clase de espanol.
i am so sorry for tg and u. what a awfuk thing to have to deal with. you are an amazing women and can give tg all the lovew he will need in the coming months. im thinking of you…
Wow, what a thing to have on your mind! Thank you for sharing your burden w/ us….I’m proud of you that you’re brave enough to stick by him through this. There are a million people out there that wouldn’t be able to do that, and that’s just one of the many MANY things that make you the unique and amazing woman that you are! Hang in there and know that you’ve got a long line of virtual shoulders to lean on should you need it.
I know you didn’t ask for advice but having gone down the cancer road myself I can honestly say that the best thing you can do is what your doing right now. Just be there to support him and be strong for him because if he does have to under go chemo he’s gonna need it. If you have any questions or if I can help at all please don’t hesitate to ask. My thoughts and prayers are with both of you.
Spanish sucks. I did it for about a month and STILL didn’t understand anything lol.
As for my brother, luckily he is the type of guy to joke about cancer and not freak out. I know i’d prob freak out but they say sometimes getting sick with cancer is psychological. People hear cancer and automatically assume they are dead and let it get to them… thus weakening their immune system. But I say we all give cancer the middle finger and continue shoving healthy foods down his throat!
“I know all forms of cancer are not a good thing, but in the realm of cancers, this is near the bottom of the list of ones you want to have.”
Also near the bottom of that list: eyeball cancer, gall bladder cancer (because even doctors don’t know where that thing is), and of course the greatly feared but rarely seen cancer-cancer, where even your CANCER has cancer. If you get that stuff, oh boy…
aw, you guys…i love you so much and i dont even know you. 😉
with my limited experience, all i can think of to suggest is that as long as we’re in halloween season anyway, you should definitely pick up a sexy nurse costume.
I only wish you hope. And that one day that they’ll be able to turn cancer into fish sticks.
I don’t know if these transmogrified fish sticks would still be able to kill you, but it will make a terrible experience a little more tasty.
Kris: My thoughts and prayers are with you guys. I wish I had a witty or even pithy comment to lift your spirits but the only thing I can think to say is “I’m sorry, I know that this sucks.” But I always believe everything happens for a reason–sometimes we don’t know the reason–but somewhere it is there.
I’m in Houston near the MD Anderson center–if you need anything from my end–let me know, I’d be happy to help.
Thanks for sharing what could not have been easy to share.
I second the “sexy nurse outfit” plan…
i thought you might.
TG you are a very brave soul. You have a good girl by your side but you already know that. Hang strong and you guys are in my prayers but I don’t think you will need them. I know in my soul everything will turn out just fine. If you guys need anything please ask. Even if it’s just a get away place, you have mine.
Oh I am so sorry about all this…
I didn’t realize this post was your most recent when I commented on your last post.
I don’t even know what to say to cancer, other than to have hope, know that encouragement and support are here, and to keep us posted. Hang in there TG!