I’m pretty sure that unless this your first visit to The Pilver,you are aware that I don’t love a single thing more than the Christmas Season. It’s not the Big Day that I crave. It is the special foods at the grocery stores, the ridiculous decorations at the mall and of course, the 24/7 Christmas radio stations that begin pumping out fluffy songs as early as the day after Halloween. Those tunes help me turn into a pile of holiday affected mush for two months out of the year.
Even so, I have issues with some of the songs they replay ever hour. Some of them are awful noises that bother my soul. I have a theory that the mass majority of Christmas songs created after 1969 are un-good, to say the least. I am not speaking of songs that have been re-done by other artists, but rather those than are new and original pieces. I hold a notion that Christmas songs, TRUE Christmas songs, are those which we consider the classics. There’s exceptions, to every rule as well as this one. These do not fall under the exceptions list.
7. Christmas in the Northwest
If you don’t live in the Pacific Northwest, chances are you have never heard this song. I encourage you to watch this video. Not because it’s a good song, or even a good video. Watch it because I need a second opinion on whether or not this couple that made the video is trying to be serious or insanely cheesy. Look closely at 2:06 to see them induce an awkward viewing moment as they…um…share a tree? Then go out and purchase a turtleneck. Do they still make those?
6 Mary Did you Know?
It’s just great that Kenny Rogers and Winona Judd decided to question the Virgin Mary herself. As though she was unaware…I think she’s on top of this one guys.
5. Grown Up Christmas List.
Listen, Amy Grant, MY grown-up list does not include those peaceful loving things. It has such items as: a patio for my apartment, a cheap and responsible babysitter who has zero life so they can come over at any time and an endless supply of chocolate, potato chips and wine.
4.12 Reckneck Days of Christmas
I know some rednecks, I am even related to some. I just don’t get this guys humor. Also, this song is annoying.
3.Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)
Oh John, why did you write this? Why did you sing it? Who decided to let you record it? Are they still alive? Can we hurt them?
2. Email Santa
If anyone ever approached me to let me know my son had talent worthy of exploiting I would have a hard time allowing him at a young age to get into showbiz. However, I would be sure that if he did, I would not let him put such rubbish into the homes of millions. Poor kid is going to end up in head-to-toe black leather and peircings trying to remake THAT image for the rest of his life.
1.The Christmas Shoes:
Yes, I have no heart. Some angelic little boy wants to buy pretty shoes for his dying mother so she looks beautiful for Jesus. I hate this song. I think I despise it so much because I have this hunch that the songwriter wrote it for the sole reason of inducing tears in menopausal women. It’s like a Lifetime Movie set to music. Barf.
That’s my list. There’s more I couldn’t fit that I could mention. But now I am going to go and try to listen to some I enjoy, either that or find some chocolate, potato chips and wine.
The Pilver 
Hooray, someone else who wouldn’t put Paul McCartney’s Synthesizer Christmas on a Worst Xmas songs list! How many Beatles have recorded their own Xmas songs?
Fortunately, I don’t think I’ve had the displeasure of listening to any of these songs. And damn, do I hate the concept of Christmas Shoes. Speaking of Lifetime, there actually WAS a Lifetime-esque special based on the song starring Rob Lowe.
Galileo… actually, the book was written first, and it’s a lovely story. Then they made the tv movie (hello mellowdrama) and then they ruined it even more with that horrible song (which may have been written for the movie).
Need to correct myself…. the internet story came first, then the song, then the movie. Then someone commissioned the book. I was sure the book was first because the author wrote a whole series. Anyway, I love the books, but could do without the rest.
Galileo- YES! I looked up some other lists after making this one and saw that on EVERY ONE! I like that song!
Also, I clicked “Submit” to early to add that I almost confused Jeff Foxworthy’s Redneck 12 Days of Christmas with the version by Bob & Doug McKenzie. That one was awesome.
Yes they still make turtlenecks…you can even get them WITH Christmas Trees on them. Don’t ask me how I know that.
I would also like to offer up “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” as an addition to the list. I used to have a record (remember those?) full of bad Christmas Songs, and that was my favorite.
i can’t believe you don’t like Christmas shoes!!!
Korbyn and i LOVE that song!
we’re going to make a CD and play that song on repeat at thanksgiving! š
I like Mary Did You Know, but the Kathy Mattea version, I think it is. A couple of the others, I’ve never heard of. I turn my nose at every single Amy Grant christmas song, because half of the songs the stations play this time of year are by her.
But when I scrolled down to Christmas Shoes, I literally yelled “YES!” at work. This song is a joke between my sister and I because when you work in an office, there is always at least one middle aged woman who tears up at that song. It’s contrived and ridiculous. And the kids in the chorus are not good singers.
I would also like to nominate I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.
You know, I’d laugh but our music charts in the UK have seen Bob the Builder and Mr Blobby as #1, and things like Teletubbies, South Park’s Chef, and Vanilla Ice in #2 spots at Christmas. When the top song of Christmas tells you to say “eh-oh” then there’s issues.
Not forgetting Cheeky Girls’ Cheeky Christmas or that Cruise in to Christmas thing.
essay- that should be a new theme to replace ugly christmas sweater parties…ugly turtlenecks.
ally- so long as you go to hollidazzle with me, I will listent to it ONE time
amy- YES! I was going to include that one, but it’s old.
guise- I have no knowledge of any of those songs you are talking about …crazy Brits š
I am not responsible for any lack of sanity, hearing, will to live or taste in music for anyone who inflicts the viewing of the following on themselves.
Chubby… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h37KQu64RY4
Cheeky… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uizWNy3Q1I
Creepy… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wyW7uaXV8E
Cruise… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jonwKvsK6oc
Construction… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IWKhYQarJU
and of course
Cliff… http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=cliff+richard+christmas&search_type=&aq=f (It’s hard to narrow down Cliff Cheese sometimes but lets contrast http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aIC42iL8xM and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJcBYyoDrKo and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cA5QJS3paAo against http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asq7TW4bRBU and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_b9MFTQNyWo)
And yes, Chocolate Salty Balls and Ice Ice Baby were once Christmas Number 1’s on UK music chart.
Strangely enough, I have BEEN to one of those parties. Hilarious!
on my way back to school on sunday i heard the christmas shoes song twice!!! yay! i’m sorry you missed it
I’m glad you hate ‘The Christmas Shoes’ as much as I do. You MUST hear this parody called ‘The Christmas Thong’:
http://thefump.com/fump.php?id=1120
How about banning ANYTHING which is a sweeping, epic, “look how I have f*&#ed up this standard” by ANY black/white/purple/canadian, etc. R&B diva, with a full choir in the background. DONE, ENOUGH! Something playing in the other room in my office is driving me NUTS today!!!!!!
What about Gory Bateson’s “Merry X-Mas, Baby”?
Doesn’t everyone know that Christmas Shoes is a scam thats common across the country? The kid is in cahoots with the cashier. They get money from the guy, but dont actually buy the shoes, recycling the scam with every new customer. Come on now…would YOU give money to a dirty little boy asking for shoes?