Taking Advice From Eminem

That’s right, I am cleaning out my closet. Why? It looks like this:

It’s a sad display of what will happen when you haven’t grown since 1993. I researched “Tips for cleaning out your closet” online. I just need some help. One thing that all the closet experts say is that you should toss anything you haven’t worn in the past year.

YEAR?! Ha! I found a huge pile of stuff I haven’t worn in over ten years. Things I cannot bear to throw away. Things that I will one day give to the daughter I have not yet bothered to create. Things like this:

My letterman’s jacket and cheer leading uniforms. Go ahead, chuckle. My dirty secret is that I was a cheerleader. Apparently a good one, I was captain of the wrestling, soccer, and football squads. And I have those patches to prove it. The worst thing about my letterman’s jacket is this: It cost $375, and this was way back when, easily the most I ever paid for an article of clothing to this day. I wore it for two years. Now I cannot do a thing with it. It still fits. However, anyone who wears their jacket one day past graduation is basically the worlds largest loser of all time. Why? Why is that the rule? At least there should be one day a year called “National Letterman’s Jacket Day.” Would you participate in it with me? Please? I suggest December 8th, it’ll be cold. I’m doing it.

When I was in younger I had a friend who loved dolphins. She wore dolphin earrings and necklaces and wanted to be a marine biologist and swim with the suckers. I decided I should have a favorite animal as well, and I chose cows. Most of the accessories I could find that were bovine related were socks, and more socks, and basically just socks. Until my mom found a pattern for a cow sweater that she wanted to make for me that included real bells that rung hanging from the cows’ necks. I actually wore the thing, a lot. I was not 7, I was 14 years old. A couple years later I gave up the cow thing, but my dolphin friend went on to receive a degree in marine biology and spent a few years swimming with those aquatic mammals at Sea World. I on the other hand have smelled a few cows, that’s about it.

In the 80’s and 90’s Airwalks were the shoes to wear if you wanted to show the world that you rode a skateboard. I did not. I just wanted people to think I did. I have no fewer than six pairs. These were my favorite. Iridescent gold lace-up and girly Airwalks that I blew an entire 67 dollars on in 1995. Now, they have lost their luster and are peeling in spots. Airwalks can now be found at your local Payless for a whopping 17.99. *sigh*

There’s a store in this area called Rag Stock. It’s thrift store of sorts, and it smells like one too. They have a rack of Japanese baseball jerseys. One day in 1994 my friends and I were browsing for flannels and we came across a dozen or more of these identical shirts. Then we wore them the next day to school. I wonder what Yoshida means?

I am going to go look for Airwalks on ebay now.

My closet still looks the same 😕

About kristiane

killing spiders with my laser eyes.
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13 Responses to Taking Advice From Eminem

  1. froggylove says:

    That is so funny. Lucky for you that you havent grown since 1993. I have doubled in size. I wish I could wear my Levi button fly 501, with a flannel, concert t-shirt (preferably an alternative band) and my converse high tops from 1993. Damn. I so would be that girl who never changed her style.

  2. Amy says:

    the airwalks made me laugh. it’s funny how many brands that used to be cool are now sold in cheapo stores.

    i’ve been to the ragstock in state street, and it smells like body odor and dirty hair. now i just go to goodwill for way to many of my clothes. still takes awhile to dig past all the stuff local people bought at shopko just to find something decent, but i think it’s fun, because i’m lame like that.

    and, the words “photo shoot” come to mind. thinking you need to actually MODEL these old outfits. or sometime this fall, at least wear the cow sweater around town and document people’s reactions.

  3. kristiane says:

    Amy- my first set of photos WAS of me wearing everything, not at once, but you get the point. I then realized that I looked ridiculous.

    Also, I have been to that Rag Stock as well, we should hang out.

  4. tg says:

    I have an idea of something we could do with the cheerleading outfit, I think…

  5. JoshC says:

    I loved those Airwalks, really cool.
    I payed over 100 for my blue suede Airwalks in a Skate Shop in the mid nighties, sigh

  6. dohopoki says:

    I see soccer and wrestling but I’m pretty sure that last one is a magic genie lamp.

  7. kristiane says:

    doho- that’s from Knowledge Bowl. Yeah, that’s right. 3rd in state.

  8. Mom says:

    Maybe you see what’s at the bottom of that closet. Could be scary.

  9. Amy says:

    tg: shhhh, her MOM is here! 😉

    kb: we should meet in madison and do a photoshoot with the crazies down there. but not get murdered. preferrably.

  10. kristiane says:

    Mom- Just so you know, i just about everyday empty that sucker out and look for a pair of shoes i think is at the bottom, but never is. Nothing Scary, yet.

  11. Sarah says:

    I think mom would understand if you tossed the cow sweater. I can’t believe you still have all that stuff. The airwalks, nasty. The letter jacket is cool, though.

  12. kittymao says:

    I have my letter jacket!
    I’ll wear it on December 8th if YOU do.
    And I used to love shopping at thrift stores.
    I kind of still do, but there’s never anything good anymore- the local one is innundated with clearance Target crap.

  13. Billy says:

    You are hilarious. I never imagined you were a cheerleader! I learn something new everyday! And for that I thank you.

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