Customer Quilt

In nine days I will be off work for SEVENTEEN DAYS…I did not plan to be gone so long, but my cousin decided to get married the day I was meant to be home from vacation and since I had already requested the daycare time off I was forced to take a longer break than I anticipated. Not complaining here, just saying.

Well, I can feel my mind and body are so ready for vacation. I could sit and talk about it and nothing else for the next nine days and bore your scalp off. I think I will instead vent about the job that I am abandoning for the interior of my humble automobile.

First off, we are very near to the Minneapolis Convention Center. This means that there are conventions held with people from all over the country attending. I get lots of people from all over. I am going to be stereotypical and generalize the groups of people that come to visit my work. let me begin by saying that 90% of customers are a joy. I am not being sarcastic, they are. And the 10% that are less than spectacular don’t ruffle me too much. They give me something to write about.

The Southerner-
They will ask for sweet tea, fully knowing that we do not have sweet tea in Minnesota. Then they will say “Aaaooh…That’s riaght. Ya’ll are above the Mayson Dixay Line.” So, then I bring them our boring brewed and unsweetened tea and request their meal order. The response, “Do ya’ll have collard greens or grits?” to which I respond, “I’m so sorry, we are only serving menu items today.”
*Southerners are the worst tippers. I am over the fact that not every customer tips great, and I am more forgiving to Southerners. I honestly think that 10% must be the standard down there.

West Coasties-
They ask for chai. Now, I understand that actually reading the menu can take time. But everything we serve IS on the menu. Chai is not on the menu. Also not on the menu: soy milk, which they request for their coffee after I tell them we do not have chai.

The Hung Over Frat boys-
They smell. Do not try to hit on your server when you reek of whatever fun you had last night, instead, take a shower. The HOFB will drink all the water you can bring them. They will order huge meals and eat barely anything. And if they do not have females with them, they tip horribly. The same “types” tip great, when they have not blown all their money the previous night at Club de Flamingo or where ever they must have gone home from female-less.

The Out of Town Business Man/Woman.
They travel alone. They miss their wives and kids and they will talk to you as much as you are willing to talk to them. I actually love these customers. Because, it is nice to know that they have souls and they understand that you have one as well. Also, because our menu is unique, they will ask your opinion on what to order, and then take it. These people could tip nothing and I would be fine with it, but they always tip great.

Always ask for espresso post meal. For breakfast, they like baguette and cheese and fruit. They also like sparkling water. And of course wine, lots of it. They have great shoes. They tip horrible or not at all. But I get to look at their shoes, so it evens out.

Target Corp. Employees-
Target’s main headquarters is a block away from my job. The place is full of yuppies, and they love our restaurant. They are a good 7 1/2 on politeness and tipping. And they work at Target. I love that place. Just today I had a table “doing lunch” to decide on a campaign for next winter. I got the lowdown on holiday crap before anyone. I should PAY to work here.

The Fraidy Cats-
These are the people that are totally turned off at trying a Bison Burger, Huevos Rancheros or Sweet Potato Fries. It’s not something i assume, people will say things like, “Can you really eat bison?!” They order the grilled cheese with French fries. Then they climb into their Ford Taurus’ and go back to their townhouses with furniture from JC Penny’s to watch the local newscast and prepare Hamburger Helper for their kids.


About kristiane

killing spiders with my laser eyes.
This entry was posted in Blogroll, entertainment, Fine Dining, food, happiness, health, Hell's Kitchen, home, how to, job, Life. Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Customer Quilt

  1. Galileo says:

    That whole segment on the “Hung Over Frat Boy” is especially true, I even saw that exact scenario occurring last month the morning after my Fraternity’s annual Formal.

  2. I’m the out-of-town-businessman. Even when I’m in-town I’d rather chat with the waitresses about their lives then ask stupid questions about food’s no one serves or liquids no one else drinks.

    While I do love my Chai, I don’t ever ask for it. If it isn’t on the menu, don’t try to order it. Simple rule for life.

    And I tend to tip high. I’d rather make the mistake of leaving 30-40% then only leave 15%. Besides, the conversation and the friendliness are worth more to me than the quality of the food.

  3. tony says:

    thank you for being you

  4. Taoist Biker says:

    I’m a native Southerner, and I’ll admit that until I started dating my Midwestern wife, I had no idea how horrible a tipper I was. I don’t bother to ask for sweet tea, though. It’s pointless.

    I often play the out-of-town businessman nowadays. I tip well, but I’m usually too self-conscious to engage servers in conversation. I’m always afraid that I’ll come off as some pathetic guy trying feebly to flirt or something, and I figure servers already get way more of that than they want on a given day.

  5. Ben says:

    Bingo on the frat boys. uck.

    As for the fraidy cats…that would be my spouse. The poor dear is a middle of the road kind of gal, whilst I’m munching away on crocodile skewers, elk burgers, and, of course, bison. Yum, alternative dead animals to eat!

  6. Billy says:

    I think you nailed it. Except I live in the South and I tip huge. Only because I was in the “biz” and I know how shitty people can tip. There’s no excuse for that.

  7. Amy says:

    i can totally picture each of the people that you described. esp the european (my cousin from illinois that lives in germany) and the fraidy cat (most middle aged Wisconsin women).

    i do order grilled cheese quite often myself, but usually it’s because i cant decide what to get and i panic…

    and i am a totally huge tipper as well. my mom was a waitress forever and i remember how much it meant to her.

  8. kittymao says:

    Out here, I don’t get many foreigners or southerners.
    But out here, Latinos tend to be terrible tippers. Less than ten percent on AVERAGE. AND! There is usually 6 or 7 (never 8) so I can’t tack on a gratuity.
    They’re also really demanding- you can ask if anyone needs refills-only one person will, at first- and as soon as you come back, everyone has finished their drinks and you’ll have to go fill up 6 more drinks.
    Not to mention more lemons, extra crackers, tabasco sauce, extra ranch and “my fries aren’t crispy enough.”
    Sometimes I think about giving up.

  9. Saint says:

    The problem I see is that most people don’t seem to know the difference between a “server” and a “servant”. I take my son out to eat a lot and try to teach him that you treat everyone with respect…especially someone who handles the food you’re about to eat!!! As for tipping, it’s just not taught enough. I had never even heard of tipping someone who cuts your hair until I was in college. Now it’s $1-$2 to the carhop at Sonic who brings my food to the car, $3-$5 to the person cutting my hair, 15% to the waiter/waitress with average service, and 20-25% for above average service. It is so embarassing to go out to eat with someone who tips poorly. I always try to slip extra money onto the table when I eat with my dad and he picks up the check.

  10. kristiane says:

    Saint- You put it well. I mean, the whole server vs. servant thing. In the words of a Brady Kid, “I never thought of it that way, Dad.”

  11. dohopoki says:

    Honestly, I’d rather you guys just get paid more and charge me more for my food. I’m sure some would say that would drive down insentive to do a good job but I don’t want to be the bonus distributor after I eat. It’s not like I’m calculating out percentages based on how good the service was, my tip comes down to “did I bring 20s or 50s to dinner today?”

    And it’s not that I don’t tip, I just wish it wasn’t how things were. Better yet, I’ll just go to the buffet and get the food myself.

  12. RSP says:

    English literature style writing. may be i felt this because i am not a native writer

  13. kristiane says:

    doho- yes There are places that just go ahead and charge everyone for a tip. Which is nice, but I guess it would feel less earned if we did not kiss tail for it.

  14. kristiane says:

    haha. BTW you still need IM

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