How can it sneak up like this every year? If you came to my house to see the collection of packages tied with brightly colored paper and bows you would think I am a scrooge of massive proportions.
In reality, I have taken Wednesday off of work in order to start and finish my shopping for the year. And by shopping I mean I am going to go dig out my Kohl’s card and see how far my credit limit will get me at the cheesiest department store on earth.
I got the same speech this year from my mother that I have gotten each and every year that I have been a single mother, “Now, promise me you won’t buy us any gifts this year.” Sure mom. Truth is, I want to buy gifts. I want to buy them for everyone that I know. I want to have cost not be an option and I want nothing in return. Well, I would like some updated pictures of my nieces and an Easy Bake Oven. But other that that I want nothing, except a bank to approve a student loan for me and gift certificates to the diner for a year of Saturday morning breakfasts. But that is it, I swear.
I am going to list my “Reverse Wish List” or “What I Would Give to everybody I Know If I Could”
Sarah: My middle sister gets her college paid for and sound proof walls cause she lives on campus at the University of Wisconsin and it is quite loud there on the weekends, and Mondays and also on Tuesdays thru Thursdays.
Rachel: My oldest sister has her fourth baby on the way, she gets a house cleaner and a personal chef
Mom and Dad: Monthly plane tickets to see me (it’s a selfish one so they get to fly first class)
My Boss (the nice one) : deep tissue massages cause she’s tense, and I will show up on time every day, this month or at least this week.
Ally, Korbyn, and Broderick: my teenage cousins who have taken amazing trips all over the country and the world, you will get the pleasure of accompanying me on a road trip this summer in my rusty banged up 94 Honda. You’re Welcome.
My Co-workers: I am going to leave a case of Peppermint Schnapps in the bar to go with your hot chocolate for the long cold winter.
Tim: A winter coat, what you have does not count. And mittens. And a hat. And an all inclusive trip to Vegas.
The Pizza Employees Who I Live Above and Who Play Their Stereo Quite Loudly at 2am (at least that’s what I call them): headphones
Max: For my son I will buy new shoes that he will actually wear. He has been wearing these old dingy ones for months and I cannot get him to switch to the shiny new ones that are collecting dust by the front door. And a pony.
And to the people I have never met:
Laurie Kendrick: Backstage Goo Goo Doll passes
Billy: Backstage Creed passes—Ohhh! I kid, You may have a writing job at my fictional periodical.
Matt C. : a book deal, for real I would read it and gift it to many people.
Keywork: A real raccoon suit. or maybe just some mascara and I can tell you how to make the effect just as good as the real thing.
James Lileks: retirement, if you give me your job
You are all very welcome.