Unemployment is difficult for many reasons. Obviously, I want to pay my bills which have been shortly ignored. Hanging around the house because it costs five dollars minimum in gas to drive anywhere and back creates a prison like feeling. Being unable to purchase unnecessary items has been easier than I figured. But, this morning, I had an itch to peruse through my favorite guilty pleasure, US Weekly.
Currently, I have no more tabloid funds. I haven’t paged through an issue of US in months. I considered gathering the change out of my coin jar and driving to the nearest town, but decided against it. I’ll just see what I can find on the net.
Celebrity news is easy to find, every supposed legit news site has a page dedicated to smut and there are plenty of smut only sites. I’ve decided to re-report to you all the most important stories I came across. Yes, they are life changing important, follow closely:
This is beyond swell! I’m not speaking with sarcasm at all. Remaking movies like Robin Hood, IMO, is easy money. Get a famous actor, spend a good amount of money on special effects and make sure you link it with figurines to McDonald’s Happy Meal and your pretty much guaranteed to have the top grossing film of the summer. Depending on my love or detest of the actor/actress playing main character, I either never watch the film, or I am standing in line on opening day. I love Russel Crowe, despite his telephone throwing ways, so it’s a given I will see this film.
Sarah Jessica Parker got buffed.
Which immediately made me think of Madonna, luckily it made the writer of the story feel the same way. This pic was also on the page:
I dunno, it seems like they are picking on aging ladies, calling them too healthy. Clearly they are consuming calories or muscles would diminish. It may not be the desired look by most standards of beauty in our society, but I say better strong and muscly than to embrace the middle aged granny gut.
1980’s movies are being re-made
Yaawwn.
At least 30 films from the ’80s are being revamped, including the comedies “Police Academy,” “Short Circuit” and “Private Benjamin,” horror fare like “Fright Night” and “Poltergeist,” actioners “Escape From New York,” “RoboCop” and “Red Dawn,” and everything in between from “Near Dark” to “Footloose”….
Whoop-dee-doo, Hollywood cannot find anything new to write…WAIT OMYGOSH DID YOU SAY RED DAWN!?!? “But, Kbell, it’s right wing propaganda from the Reagan era!” Don’t care, it’s Red Dawn, it’s forcefully epic and I will eat it with a spoon.
Scream it with me…”WOLVERINES!”
Let’s end with some superficial nonsense!
Something about Kate Hudson’s chest
Kate Hudson had no boobs. Kate Hudson went out and bought boobs. Spencer Pratt tweeted this in response to her boobs:
“How is it possible to get breast implants and still not have breasts? Kate H – get ur money back…”
After and before shots of what is none of this married man’s business.
And America continues to loathe the reality star for obvious reasons.
The Pilver 
I hope I look like SJP at her age and not like Rosie O’Donnell. Funny post!
Thanks, and I totally agree, though I doubt I’d have to discipline to do that many arm curls 🙂
I’d like to see some 90’s and 00’s films given the remake treatment, a lot actually need it. Maybe it could be considered a ‘cover version’.
specifically?…..
Not necessarily because they were bad movies, but just because I feel there was something missing:
The Avengers (as in the movie of the British tv show) and for that matter the McGann Dr Who (just because it leaves a huge gap for fans). The Avengers decided to go for the camp appeal, but didn’t manage to pull it off with humour, so it was a huge let down – especially considering that Mission Impossible was enjoyable and The Saint wasn’t too bad.
Batman Forever, And Robin…actually that’s less remake and more remove. Oh, Superman Returns too. The Batmans are being redone (though they’ve already screwed up my favourite character from comics, Zsasz, by not making him a self-harming psychopath)
Waterworld. It actually couldn’t be any better than it was, but wouldn’t you love to see the same movie sink twice?
Godzilla remakes are inevitable, but the US version just needed a little work, especially considering Cloverfield.
Judge Dredd was pretty good for what it was, it was better than Last action Hero, but it would have been good to be closer to the comic, though was actually pretty likable overall.
Lord of the Flies (I’d just like to see this as a TV miniseries)
Teenage Catgirls In Heat. Just because a title that awesome has to be remade as many times, in as many genres, as possible.
Wolf. Solely so that I can hear the dialogue.
Bloodrayne, Bloodrayne II, Doom, and most other adaptations from games. They are always a risky venture, but some just need to be re-liscensed and seen again.
Catwoman. Seriously, Catwoman. Oh, Elektra too.
Constantine. I can not state how much I want this remade just to satisfy my inner fanboy. Constantine was a British magnificent bastard whose appearance was based on the singer Sting from his punk days. They gave us Keanu.
The remakes/quasi-sequels of Death Race, Wicker Man, Italian Job and Rollerball. Four movies I loved the originals of, each had a few good points in the remake (Wicker Man – “covered in bees” and Paul Heyman as a commentator in Rollerball) but they missed a lot of the point of the originals.
New Star Wars trilogy. Never happen, but I know I’m not alone.
I’d like to see Hitchhikers Guide back to a tv serial so that they can cover more of the series than compressing it in to the movies constraints. Not a remake because of quality, more just to expand.
There’s also movies I just want wiped from my mind, more than remade:
Tom Cruise’s War of the Worlds
Shia Le Beef and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
I hope they don’t desecrate Red Dawn.
F-ing Spencer. So gross. His wife is beyond gross. SJP looks fine, and Madonna’s arms look photoshopped, so there ya go.
If you are low on funds, buy In Touch — cheaper and all the same stuff. They will put different stories on the cover, but if you are unfortunate enough to buy both, you’ll see that all the mags buy the same pictures or a different frame taken during the same time. It’s all the same…
Hmm, maybe I’ll try it. Thanks!
God, Spencer is a huge douche. And I say good for Madonna for being in waaay better shape at 50 than I am at 30, but to me? Her arms are kind of icky.
I too have a pretty bad tabloid habit. I have a bunch of magazines from the last couple of weeks that I was just going to toss, but I would much prefer to give them to a good home. If it would help you get your fix, send me your address and I’ll put them in the mail for you. 😉
I’m sure it would cost more to mail that it would be worth, but your a darling for offering 🙂
Wow, SJP is looking pretty good!
Guise: I saw The Avengers on then plane when I was flying to England and I totally get what you’re saying. I knew next to nothing about the original series, but even then I could tell it was a total bomb.
The less said about Batman Forever the better. As a lifelong Batman fanatic, I’d rather forget the whole thing ever happened. That and Catwoman were the only 2 times when came seriously came close to walking out of a theater half way into the movie. Constantine was a huge disappointment too for all the reasons you mentioned. I’ve only been a casual fan of the series but have always wanted to go back and collect the whole run. I coudn’t believe we actually got Keanu in that. That was ridiculous.
I don’t even want to get started on what Hollywood’s doing these days. Fright Night is one of my all-time favorite movies ever and I’m dreading what they’re going to do to it.