Rachel: The Perfect Parent

Today my son received his third write-up on the bus, for not sitting down while it was moving. This, in turn, led to a suspension of the bus for one day. Well, I know my son and I know that the behavior that I was told about over the phone sounded like him exactly. So, I regretfully accepted the punishment of taking a day off of work to drive him to and from school tomorrow. (Honestly though, I can use the homework time.)
I knew I was going to have to punish him, and I knew it was going to have to be severe. I understand that he did not commit the worst crime a six year old can, but if things are happening repeatedly I certainly need to nip them in the butt.
I decided to seek punishing advice from my parenting guru sister,Rachel, who is a mother of four. I called her up, like I do everyday so we can trade kid stories, and told her my predicament. I conveyed that I wanted to appear scary and tough to my son. I really think I never do. Rachel, however, scares me when she hollers at her children.
Her advice:
Take him to the edge of town, force him to get out of the car and tell him you are going to leave him there until he decides to be a good boy. She told me he would be begging for mercy as I pretended to drive away. (She actually did this with her kids one time-though PLEASE don’t call child protection services, she did not actually leave them there)
Well. Rachel lives in a small town where there actually is an edge to it. I live in a metropolitan area with four million people. So, I needed something different. And I told her that a no TV night would not work as I really needed to get some homework done and the TV is indeed a babysitter on nights like tonight.
Her next suggestion? Feed him supper right away and then straight to bed. She asked if I was up for it, being that he could pout for a good hour or two while in his room. Yes, I was up for it, but I still needed to scare him.
Finally we came to a mutual/evil plan. I googled “school bus crash” and found an image of a bus that had been mutilated. I decided to show it to Max when I brought him home and told him that the kids on that bus that were not sitting down in their seats did not survive.

Then there was still the issue of getting him to go to bed right after supper. I (JOKINGLY, ONCE AGAIN, DO NOT CALL CPS ON ME) suggested the unused bottle of vicodin that I was prescribed after a dentist visit a couple years ago and had been collecting dust on my shelf ever since. Rachel quickly protested, “NO DON’T! That’s just wasting it!” Man, my sister is classy.
Of course, the vicodin still sits on the top shelf of my cupboard, where it will remain until the pills disinigrate like they did on that weird freezing bodies movie from the 1990’s (Two points if you can remember the name) And I drove him nowhere, as I wanted to get home and kicking him out of the car in the middle of St. Paul would have been awful. I settled on showing him the picture, giving him an early supper and bath, and sending him straight to bed. He actually fell asleep at five pm and now it is nearly midnight, so he should be up in an hour or two.

About kristiane

killing spiders with my laser eyes.
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17 Responses to Rachel: The Perfect Parent

  1. Billy says:

    Max is a man of destiny. He marches to the same tune I did. One time I stood up early on the bus before he came to my stop. Just to be an ass he slammed on the brakes and I flew down the aisle much to the amusement of my peers. Where was the Fox News whistle blowers when I was a kid? I still hate that guy.

  2. kristiane says:

    Wow, Billy that is harsh. Bus drivers can certainly be of a different species however.
    And just to let you all know, Max did wake up at 2am…and never went back to bed. :/

  3. critter12 says:

    hey good luck with the punishment . from a guys point of view there are worse things he could do . the best punishment for boys is to make them sit in a corner facing the wall and think about what they did . no toys no nothing my dad used this punishment on me long before it was in fashoin ( nanny t.v show ) it works . good luck . p.s i like vicodin

  4. essaytch says:

    Ooooh….that picture would have worked for me. Yikes!

  5. dohopoki says:

    My parents just beat me. Nah, I kid. I never got in trouble as a kid, for reals. Of course, today I sometimes fantasize about Authoritarian Government Robots built by Walmart and powered by Microsoft enslaving the human race and forcing us all to wear the same clothes and eat the same dry corn flakes every meal, so maybe there’s something to that “child’s independent streak.”

  6. kristiane says:

    critter-you would 😉
    Yeah, beating seems to be far over-rated. I really hate cornflakes, so I hope that never happens.

  7. HB says:

    Dude that’s nothing in March after my oldest turned seven I found a notebook of cuss words(bich, bowlshit) and a letter asking if a girl thought he was sexy. I almost died after my heart attack

  8. E-man says:

    That sister of yours is really using some cruel methods! Leaving a kid on the edge of town! Even if you’re just pretending, that is really cruel to the kid. I vote for sending the kid to bed early (right after dinner, no tv/computergame/whatever) or the chair facing the wall. Works for me and my friends.

  9. kristiane says:

    Oh. I suppose you’d have to know my sister and her kids and the town.

  10. theroadnow says:

    What I did while raising my son is I would tell him that he was in trouble, explain the problem and let him know the punishment was forthcoming. He would go about his business expecting the worst. Kind of a timeout in his own head. After a few hours I would just let him know I was disapointed in him and that I expected him to do better. He grew up to be a fine young man.
    Adam

  11. mklasing says:

    You are doing great Kris–no worries–when I was 6 a friend of mine and I got this great idea to go down the street to a house under construction and use the bricks in the yard to break all of the windows. That was fun until that night when the cops came and my parents made me go down there and confess to the police. Yeesh I was scared. Plus I lived in a town of about 10K people so every freaking person knew about it–and still do. But I turned out okay, I mean after the heroin addiction the days as a groupie for the Dead and my experimentation with cat mutilation–Really I’m fine.

  12. Kris says:

    Your sister saying “No Don’t!” to giving your son vicoden, not because it would hurt him, but because it would be “wasting it”, is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time.
    And I think you handled the situation very well.

  13. Michael says:

    I walked to school…so I had freedom galore. I’d eat fruits/berries from house gardens all the way to/from school, take random detours, make regular stops at this huge hill where I had a cardboard box reserved to slide down on…my parents never knew, I don’t think.

    But if I did get suspended from the bus, I’m sure my parents would’ve handled it like every other slip-up. I had a wooden “discipline stick” that would smack down across both my open palms, which I held out facing up. That was the standard punishment and the number of smacks would vary depending on the severity of the crime. The worst part was actually being made to go retrieve the stick every time I was to be punished.

    (This type of punishment is pretty common in the public/private school system in Korea. Although…I don’t think they do it QUITE as much over there these days.)

    It’s a different style, but it was pretty damn effective.

    But I think a picture might just be worth a thousand stick slaps. That particular one at least.

  14. kittymao says:

    really?
    Am I the only one who got the Belt?!
    Well, my dad WAS born in the 50’s and grew up in rural Minnesota.
    Oh well.

    I seemed to turn out OK.
    I… um.

    yeah.

  15. kristiane says:

    Oh, I got the belt. And it was one of those thick 1970’s belts.

  16. mklasing says:

    I got the belt too–my dad made me go up to my closet and pick one out and bring it back to him–that was worse than the actual licks he gave me.

  17. Michael says:

    I’m pretty sure I’ve never experienced “the Belt.” I think Asians are a stick-culture, as far as punishments go.

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